As I mentioned in my last two blogs, this 3-Step tool on forgivness, a helpful memory device, comes from a book titled,  “As For Me and My House” written by Walter Wangerin, Jr.. It’s a book that Jana and I were given for our wedding that we used a LOT in the first two years we were together, and we have relied on ever since. I often use the material in pre-marriage counseling.. and I highly recommend that EVERY couple get a copy and read it together.

The principles that Wangerin Jr. describes in this book, however, are completely applicable to any relationship … not just marriage…. and you can start using them TODAY… in any relationship that needs some honest, straight-forward communication and repair work.

So…. that all being said…. what is the second step?  Here it is…

2.  GIVING NOTICE

I think, in many ways, this is the hardest step.  It is directly related to the first one.. giving up the right to be angry. In this second step you are also giving something up… you are, in a sense, giving up your pride by admitting.. and being honest.. about the fact that you have been hurt.  Both these “givings-up” are hard to do.. because they make us extremely vulnerable.. and let’s face it.. we have already been hurt going into this thing…. now we offer up the potential of being hurt again by being honest about the ways in which we have been hurt.

Perhaps this is why we struggle with this step so much. We are afraid, perhaps, that the other person will not listen to us.. will not accept the fact that they have indeed hurt us… or maybe they will just laugh at the notion and push it all back on us.. and we will be hurt again.

And, the hard part here is that any of those scenarios may indeed come true.   And yet, the person doing the forgiving is still committed to taking this step because they realize it is ONLY by being honest about the specifics of the hurt that they will be able to truly forgive the other person… and do so for SPECIFIC hurts and offenses. It is also the only way we can truly “let go and forgive”.  We need to first name the sin.. the hurt.. the pain… and explain why and how it hurt so badly, in order to be able to leave it at the doorstep of this conversation and move on with one’s life. WIthout naming it, it WILL come back to haunt us. Guaranteed.

Now, I have heard people say that in the process of forgiveness we do not need to be so specific. We don’t need to name the specific offense, hurt and/or woundedness. One analogy sometimes used is to say, “We are going to move forward looking straight ahead…. not looking in the review-mirror at what is behind us.”  (They will even misquote certain Bible verses to do so.)

The problem with that approach, of course, is that it ignores the baseline issues that created the problems in the first place.  As Wangering puts it, “It may seem saintly for the wounded party to suffer his pain in silence, and it is surely easier to KEEP that silence than risk opening wounds; but it does not good for the marriage (or other relationship), and it encourages no change in the sinner.  He, the one who was sinned against, must speak. Giving notice means that he or she will reveal to his/her spouse, as clearly as he can, what they have done.”

Wangerin goes on to emphasize that the purpose of “giving notice” is NOT to accuse. Rather, it is to impart information. And this should be done without acting out the hurt of pain… and with as little emotional backlash as possible. You are doing your best to inform, not to return the wound. So, with love.. NOT bitterness.. to the best of your ability… (some bitterness is going to be there, most likely.. but to the best of your ability…) you explain both the other person’s act that caused the pain.. AND you explain the consequences of that action.. remembering always that this communication is for the offending party’s sake.. for their understanding… so that they can LEARN from this.. and NOT REPEAT the same behavior again.  Unless you tell them the specifics, they cannot learn from their mistakes.. and cannot change the behavior. Instead of being “nice” to them.. by simply saying, “No big deal. Let’s move on. Let’s forgive and forget”… you are instead being very specific.. so that both YOU and THEY will not be hurt in these same ways again.

To be clear… this is a sacrificial act on your part.  As with step one, this involves a bit of a death to self on your part.. in order for the “new life” (that comes with a restored relationship) to be received and experienced.  But again, in the Bible and in life.. a death to self.. usually means that a path to things better is soon to unfold.

SO.. to review.. the first two steps in healthy forgiveness are…

1. GIVING UP (the right to be angry)

2. GIVING NOTICE (of the specific offense)

You are now two-thirds of the way there.  In the next blog, we will bring it all home with step #3… GIVING GIFTS… the (true) Gift of Forgiveness.

Yesterday I shared a memory tool (on 3 steps in the process of forgiveness) that I have appreciated over the years. I learned it from author Walter Wangerin Jr.  He wrote a book called, “As for Me and My House” that probably saved Jana and my marriage early on. I highly recommend it. The first of these three steps he mentions in the book is this…

GIVE UP!

Okay. Let’s be honest. That doesn’t sound very optimistic, does it?  But here’s the deal. You are not giving up on the relationship or on the attempt to communicate… and you are most certainly not giving up on the hope for reconciliation.

What are you “giving up” then?  You are giving up the right to be angry.  If you have been hurt, and especially if you have been hurt deeply, you are going to be angry.  That is natural, and it is human.. and it is not “sinful” to be angry. (Jesus got angry, by the way.) It is what we do with our anger that will lead us toward health.. or… toward more hurt.

So… what are you giving up when you “give up the right to be angry?”   You are giving up things like holding a grudge, holding your pain over the other person, using it for yourself as a soothing device or on the other person as a weapon. You are giving up all those things.. but mainly, you are giving up this feeling of anger in order to obtain something better and more healthy:  a restored relationship (maybe), a common understanding (maybe) a peaceful state of mind (usually), a renewed ability to love (absolutely)… all good things that allow you to live better.

But this does not mean it is easy. Anger and pain… if the wound inflicted was deep.. …emotionally, physically, spiritually, relationally… these can be difficult “pains and angers” to release. And, in many of these cases you SHOULD feel anger. Anger is a secondary emotion that tells you something is wrong.. that needs to be fixed.. like a warning signal on a dashboard. Anger CAN be a tool to better things. And in that sense, within God’s design of YOU… he wired you with the ability to get ANGRY.. in order to warn you to deal with whatever has happened… and to bring you back to a better and more healthy place.

But again.. this does not mean this “giving up the right to be angry” is going to be easy. It will hurt. It IS painful to die to yourself in the ways that may be needed to complete this process. It will certainly hurt.. and if the wound is deep, it will hurt badly.

So, how do we do it? It can help if we keep the goal in front of us.. .. and if we remember this giving up or ‘dying to” that pain or hurt serves the purpose of bringing us to someplace better.

Jana and I, in our marriage, have sometimes used a “thinking tool” that Wangerin Jr. suggests can be helpful in these moments. He suggests that you intentionally think of the relationship with the other person (a spouse, family member, friend, co-worker) in a metaphorical way… as a third party.. maybe even as your “baby” or “child” that you both brought into the world and thus, you are both responsible for taking care of and nurturing.

(Hang with me here.. I know that sounds weird. it will make sense in a second.)

Just like two people bring a child into the world and will do anything, sacrificially for that child.. so too, if two people are still longing to be in relationship with each other… they MAY be able to get to the point of “giving up the right to be angry” if they keep focused on the fact that they are doing so in order to preserve and protect this third party.. their “child”.. their “relationship.”

It may sound a little odd, but when we think of the relationship we long to restore as this third party or “child” we need and want to protect and nourish and grow.. this can depersonalize the conflict.. and help us get off our own woundedness.. and our own self-pity.. in order to think of the larger goal — namely,  a renewed and reconciled relationship that is good both for the other person AND for ourselves.

It is not easy. And some relationships are so broken that we do NOT want to (nor should we, necessarily) seek fully restored connectedness to that other person. Sometimes it is not safe or healthy to stay connected.. for either party… and I will get to those realities in future installments of this series of blogs.

But for MOST relationships where forgiveness is required, this death to self… CAN lead to greater things… again… for BOTH the other person AND for yourself.  You die to self.. for a bit.. so that you can be “resurrected” back to health and life afterwards.  And here we find a great truth: There is a pattern in the world and in relationships that reflects the death and resurrection of Christ. It is there for a reason. It is always the path to fullness, restoration, health and life.

Let me be clear and say it again: It ain’t easy.. this dying to self thing… and I want to be very clear in saying that I have by no means perfected this. I am still growing in grace every day.. and have a long ways to go. But I can tell you that it DOES work.

When we “give up the right to be angry”… we are on the way… we have made huge steps towards forgiving the other person… but it does NOT mean that we have forgiven them yet. And it does not mean that we are suddenly not hurt and suddenly no longer angry. We may very well still be.. and likely still are.  We have only given up the RIGHT to be angry… and this is only the first step. There are a couple more steps yet to take before forgiveness can be complete and lead to true peace and health and hope.

We’ll get to the next one next time…

I think that the process of forgiveness is often misunderstood. People tend to think in terms of  ”Forgive and Forget” and that this simply means that one person says, “I am sorry” and the other person says, “That’s okay, I forgive you.”

On the one hand, that is true. That is what happens. But getting from hurt to healing often means digging a whole lot deeper within that over-arching summary of the exchange. The reality is, it can be very easy to rush the process.. . and easy to “not go there” with the harder places of honesty and pain we must eventually name in order to get to the fresh air of truly holistic, life-giving healing.

There is a very simple little 3-step memory tool that I like to use both in my personal life and when I counsel others in this area.  It comes from author Walter Wangerin, Jr.

While he discusses, in much more detail, the larger dynamics and communication needed for healthy forgiveness, he summarizes the whole exchange this way:

1. Give Up (The Right to be Angry)

2. Give Notice (Of your Hurt and Pain)

3. Give Gifts (The Gift of Forgiveness and Reconciliation) 

There is a lot to learn from that simplicity.  In the next few blogs, I will share some reflections on this process.  Things I have learned, things I still struggle with, and things that have helped.

This much I know. The one who is most “freed” in the process of forgiveness is the forgiver.  But sometimes it is a tough thing to do… and depending on your situation, there is good reason why it is difficult.  I’ll share some thoughts on that in the next few posts as well.

For now, watch this video and listen to the song I woke up to this morning, by 10th Avenue North. It is a good place to get started…

10th Avenue North – Losing 

And, if I was being especially honest, I might even admit that I got choked up and shed a tear or two near the end,when I was reminded that my Dad is, right now, in real life, his own version of Noah to my Mom’s slowly increasing Allie… and he, my Dad, is every bit as heroic and amazing in his love for his bride in this tender moment of their lives … and she, my Mother, is every bit as lovely and still filled with the spark of life as these two characters are in the movie.

And I would tell you that I will never, NEVER forget watching their love in these moments. It is heart-breaking and amazingly beautiful and one of the greatest gifts they have given to their children and grandchildren to see and observe and experience.

And I would tell you how deeply I love them, and that I am so very proud of who they are and the blessing they have been in my life.

I would tell you… and, perhaps…

I have.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”                           - I Corinthians 13:4-7

http://joecoffeytalk.com/post/40631049595/oh-lance-say-it-aint-so

Thing is, Lance’s sin is public. Mine is not. Or at least it is not so dramatically public.

But here’s the hard truth. We both need Grace. Both me and Lance.

Grateful to know the giver of the Gift.

Now they might have been telling me this out of encouragement… as in, “Jonathan, I really enjoy and appreciate your thoughts. You need to blog.”  Or… Option B… they may have, instead, been saying, “Jonathan, you are far too long-winded and that is an inappropriate use of Facebook.  You need to blog!”

I won’t ask you which category you fit into, but for better or worse, I am attempting to switch over, and I hope many of you will choose to come along for the ride.

My hope is that this space will become a place of…

* Faith Conversation & Reflection  – Not always with an easy answer, but with an authentic desire to discern how, where and when God is at work.  Humorous moments to celebrate, insight to contemplate and … when the hard moments come — a perspective that hopefully does not give cliche’ answers … but  DOES somehow manage to help us hold on in the midst of pain or doubt. God can handle both praise and question. Laughter AND tears both convey relationship… and authentic relationship is what God desires most.

* Appreciation for the Arts and reflection on that dynamic place where Faith and Art intersect and interact.  I believe the Arts are one of God’s great gifts to us… to help us learn, grow, stretch, inquire, question, doubt, dialogue, laugh, cry, respond, accept, refuse, explore, play, work, challenge, define, forget, escape, come back and renew our connection to God and our connection with each other.  I hope this blog will remind myself and remind those of you who read it that God is ALWAYS communicating with us.. and we will be told, often through the Arts, great and amazing and edifying things,  if we have eyes to see, ears to hear, minds alert to discern and hearts open enough to explore, ask and receive.

* Dialogue on Family and Life in General — Life is hard, but God is good. Uh-oh… I just went cliche’ on you, didn’t I? But it is true in this case… Life IS hard.. but, I believe, God IS good.. and God is in it all… the good, the bad and everything inbetween. So, let’s celebrate it here.. or let’s cry about it… or let’s just be a bit cynical and sarcastic or light-hearted enough to survive… and to keep the joy.  Life is too short to not hold onto God’s great gifts of relationship and joy… and the peace that comes with both.

So… here we go. Welcome to the Paraphrase Blog.  I have no idea how often I will write and whether or not anyone will actually read this.  But this much I DO know….

We’re gettin’ started.

Looking forward to discussions in the days ahead.

In the meantime, if you happen to read this and want to let me know who you are and why you stopped in, I would love to hear from you.

Carry On…

+ jonathan